The Meticulously Planned Seduction of Buffy Summers
by BelegCuthalion1
Summary: A tragic salad error leads to academic observations and other interesting things.
1. Antecedents

{It is a well accepted tenet of history that big events are the necessary result of much smaller antecedents. For instance, the First World War was precipitated by the assassination of an overweight, obscure nobleman. It is also interesting to note that this almost didn't occur. The assassins failed repeatedly to get a clear shot at the Arch Duke, so they had given up and just decided to go have lunch. After making a wrong turn on the way to the restaurant, they walked directly into the middle of Franz Ferdinand's motorcade. The rest, as they say, was history.

So, in the study of great events it is often interesting and edifying, or at least entertaining, to look at the small events that led up to the great ones and the many places that things could have gone very, very wrong. In our example above, if one of the eventual assassins had a sense of direction or the common sense to have asked directions to the restaurant, World War I would not have happened exactly as it did and we might live in a very different world.

For further example, take the case under consideration. In spite of the huge matters that followed, it all started with the potato salad. Some authorities assert that it actually started with the ribs, but they're all numskulls.}

On July 4th, Buffy looked in her freezer, considering her options. She wanted to have a cookout for the holiday. The house was well situated for the fourth, the fireworks show the city put on was clearly visible from the backyard, so she thought it would be nice to have an all-American meal and a few beers and watch them. She rummaged, moving a few things, looking for something she was sure she had. She moved a half used bag of ice and the fossil remains of an ice cream bar to find the package of ribs. She pulled them out and saw that they were freezer burned. Oh, well. They wouldn't be having ribs.

{See? They didn't even have the ribs, so how could that have started things? Snotty bastards.}

It was a nuisance. It would make necessary a complete change in the menu. Buffy searched her larders and found that she had the makings of a basic outdoorsy meal, except for one thing. She reached for the phone and dialed Xander. When he picked up, she distractedly began talking immediately. "Xander, I need some meat before Dawn's friends get here."

There was a moment's silence. "Thank you, Lord. Prayers do get answered after all. I'm on my way…"

Buffy was momentarily confused, "What are you talking…" in the middle of the sentence it hit her, "Xander! Eeeww!"

"Don't knock it till you've tried it."

"Stop it. Could you just please bring some Hamburger over here when you come? The ribs are ruined." Buffy was cradling the phone between her shoulder and cheek as she started the rest of her preparations.

"Tease," Xander replied.

"I'm hanging up now," Buffy said. "See you later." She began peeling the potatoes. A few minutes later, Willow wandered sleepily into the kitchen to help. Dawn hid in the living room. Neither of these two young, intelligent women thought for a moment to look at the date on the mayonnaise; which is, as everyone knows, a vital constituent of potato salad.

{Notice the dramatic build up. I am such a ham.}

The cookout was in full swing. Buffy and Willow were playing hostess to Dawn and a select group of three friends, who Buffy had trouble keeping straight. She just thought of them as the stooges. They were also playing hostess to one Xander Harris, and they were getting a little miffed about the whole thing. "You could be helping," Buffy said to him at one point. He was lying back in a long chair, feet crossed at the ankles. He was wearing wide brimmed straw hat and sunglasses, a loud red and green Hawaiian shirt, cutoffs and sandals. He idly sipped a beer and was the very picture of relaxation.

"I could be," he casually replied, not moving from his restful recline. "But I ain't."

"Then maybe you 'ain't' going to get to eat," Willow said.

"Nonsense," Xander replied. "I'm providing a vital service here."

"Are you afraid that lawn chair is going to take flight?" Buffy asked. "I think it will remain grounded without your butt in it to hold it down."

"That is not my service. I'm making sure the girls don't get in the beer," he took a long sip to punctuate his point.

"They wouldn't have the opportunity if you hadn't brought it out here because you're too lazy to walk to the fridge to get it."

"Completely untrue. These teenagers are a tricky bunch. Gotta keep an eye on them." Xander was sounding pretty smug.

"Right. At least they're moving around, you slug," Willow said.

"Ahh, the energy of youth. How I miss it." He grinned at them.

{While all this merry banter was going on, it should be noted that the potato salad was sitting on the counter in the kitchen getting warmer by the minute.}

Buffy smiled winsomely at him, turned and walked over to the water hose. She picked it up and still smiling, turned it on. "I trust you get the message, O restful one."

For a moment, Xander looked as if he would take a spraying to maintain his place, but finally decided against it. "Okay, I'm getting up… bitch." The last word was muttered under his breath. One of the stooges heard it and looked askance at him.

Buffy thought she heard him but wasn't sure. "What was that?"

"I said 'I think I'm getting an itch'," Xander said quickly and loudly.

"Right."

"That's my story and I'm sticking to it."

Buffy reached for the hose again. "Xander, start bringing the stuff out."

"Okay, but I think that itch is coming back."

He went inside to start helping. He found Willow putting hamburgers together. "Buffy was picking on me. Make her stop," He said.

"No. Get the potato salad and take it outside," Willow said, not looking at him.

{Isn't the suspense just killing you? I know it's starting to get to me! What will happen with the potato salad? I'm all a-tingle.}

Xander picked up the large bowl and carried it to the table outside. As he put it down, he picked up a plastic spoon from the pile and got a huge, heaping spoonful…

{Here it comes…}

…and swallowed it quickly…

{Goodness! I don't know if I can take it.}

…and it really, really didn't taste right. Xander made a face and said something that sounded like "Bleeaarrgghhh!," and he spit out all that he could, following it with a cup of water he grabbed from one of the stooges that he used to wash his mouth out. "Holy Christ!" he said, "don't eat the potato salad. It's gone way bad or something."

{For the edification of the reader, let us point out that Xander did indeed swallow a good sized spoon full, which was unfortunately made with bad mayonnaise, just in case anyone missed that fact. For those fortunate souls who have never had the ill-luck to get some bad mayo, it is absolutely the most horrid, awful, sickening thing on the face of the earth.}

Six hours later, after a trip to the emergency room where he was diagnosed with a blistering case of food poisoning, Xander was ensconced on the Summers family couch with a nice big glass of cold water and a garbage can of his very own.

Buffy and Willow were both mortified. They both had a hand in preparation and neither of them had checked the mayo. They both sat in the living room with him as a form of penance. Dawn had retreated to one of the stooge's house, having declared Xander's symptoms "To gross to even contemplate."

{Dawn was, of course, correct. In the interest of good taste, we shall proceed with as few references to the details of Xander's affliction as possible. There was a case in Poughkeepsie, New York where a 24 year old woman actually disappeared after seeing someone in Xander's condition. She had been grossed completely out of existence. In light of the danger and in the interest of all of us keeping our lunches down, we will not for even a moment consider the smell.}

"I am so, so sorry," Buffy said. "Do you feel awful?"

Xander lay flat, his skin looking pale and sweaty with an actual tinge of green around his lips. "It's not so bad…" he gagged and swallowed. "Really."

Buffy moved over next to him and applied a cool compress to his fore head and face, wiping gently to clean and cool him. Willow was surprised. She loved Xander as a brother and she wouldn't have dreamed of getting that close to him right then. She was guilty and hated to see him suffer like this, but yuck. Buffy didn't look concerned about that. "Can I get you anything?" she asked.

"A new gastrointestinal system, stat," Xander replied weakly. "The one I got is shot to hell."

"Poor baby," Buffy said. Much to Willow's further surprise, she didn't sound sarcastic when she said it. "Here, drink something; the doctor said you had to stay hydrated." She held the glass of water for him as he took a drink. She then continued applying the cool cloth to Xander's face, including his chest this time. Willow watched curiously.

"Thanks," Xander said, resting his head on the pillow again. Suddenly he sat up, gagging. Hurriedly he said, "Bucket!" Buffy reached it to him and they got proof positive that he couldn't even keep water down. Again, Buffy remained at his side through the grossness. Willow got even more curious.

{Here we see that events have already begun to escalate. The first seeds of Willow's involvement have been planted. Our two principals are still characteristically in the dark, of course.}

After a few more hours of listening to Xander's ailment and Buffy's care of him, Willow had gone to bed. She had drifted off contemplating her two friend's behavior.

{She did not dream about it; she in fact had a really dirty dream about a particular actress. Strangely enough, the actress was at that very same time having a really dirty dream about a cute redhead. The actress shall remain nameless. That's how rumors get started and the last thing we need around here is a lawsuit.}

Willow woke up the next morning and went downstairs to check on her poor afflicted friend. She peeked into the living room and was surprised to see that he was asleep. He still didn't look well. What was even more surprising was that Buffy was asleep in one of the chairs, which had been pulled around so that she was close to him. Willow looked at them in contemplation for a long moment.

{Here ends the first part of our study of this fascinating incident. Next time we will examine what Willow did and what Dawn said that were so important to the whole process. There will also be a shirtless Xander, a bikini clad Buffy and more yummy picnic food. Thank you for your attention.}


	2. Originality

{In our previous discussion, we touched on the importance of beginnings and small antecedents. As we saw, the potato salad was that antecedent. Now, let us consider the importance of original thinking, or as the corporate types say these days, thinking outside the box.

For example, there is the case of Anton Bisque. Anton was an alchemist in early 14th century Italy. Unlike most alchemists, who were unrepentant con men, Anton honestly believed he could synthesize gold. There was certain nobleman, who was a great fan of Chinese porcelains. They were all the rage in renaissance Italy; a lot of rich idiots bought them to impress other rich idiots. This particular idiot had spent himself nearly into the poorhouse buying these porcelains. He needed more money to buy even more of them, so he hired our boy Anton to synthesize him a whole mess of gold.

The catch was that Anton had a year to do it, on pain of death. Anton was, of course, not informed of the catch till he was in a position where running away wasn't an option. After six months of desperate, repeated and futile efforts at making gold followed by three months of desperate, repeated and futile escape attempts Anton happened on the idea of cutting out the middle man and just figuring out how to make the damn porcelain.

Thus today we have Bisque Porcelain as well as an excellent example of original thinking and performance under pressure. Now let us examine how some original thinking figures into our main topic. Sadly, there is absolutely no performance under pressure.}

Willow sat and watched her best friend since they were little kids act like a little kid. He wasn't that sick any more, but he acted as if he were because it got him so much attention from Buffy. Good lord, it had been three days and surely he had recovered at least somewhat by now. The big baby.

"You big baby," Willow said, opting to just go ahead and let people know how she felt.

"Am not. I'm deathly ill and it's partly your fault," Xander said in what must be admitted to be a slightly smug voice. "You're a terrible person for showing no remorse."

"I'm all remorsed out. I'm rapidly heading for remorseless," Willow replied. "You're pretending so Buffy will keep petting on you. Don't think I don't know it."

"I SO am not."

"Right," Willow snorted.

He gave her an evil look and grinned. He raised his voice, "Buffy!" he shouted. She was in the kitchen getting him a drink, "Can you believe that Will has the nerve to pick on me right now!"

Buffy entered the room. "Willow!" she said scolding the other girl. "Be nice. You shouldn't make fun of someone when they're sick." She handed the glass to him and turned to sit. While Buffy's back was briefly to him, he stuck his tongue out at her, then immediately looked pitiful again by the time Buffy could see him.

"Oh, please…" Willow said. She sat back and pouted just a little. She realized that she was feeling a bit left out. The interactions between Xander and Buffy were just between them these...

{Wait for it… The big realization's a-coming.}

Willow was surprised at the thought. She sat back to examine it. Xander and Buffy seemed to be developing their own little world. Buffy was pampering him without a hint of hesitation. Xander, of course, was eating it up. She thought back to Buffy asleep next to him in the chair the first morning he was sick…

{Wait for it…}

BUFFY HAD A CRUSH ON XANDER! Willow's mind ran in circles shouting at itself. She reined it in for a second, but it broke loose and took off again. This was big, she thought; hugely, enormously big. It was bigger then big.

Slowly, she calmed down and thought about things. She had engaged in a mid-level freak out when it first hit her, but on sober reflection it seemed more and more like a good thing. Both of them were out of fundamentally unhealthy relationships with, well, demons. As they had been so long ago, they were a threesome. Only now there wouldn't be a love triangle.

{Willow was not fundamentally correct with her estimate of their earlier relationships as a triangle. It was Xander loved Buffy, Willow loved Xander, and Buffy loved Angel, Angel Loved Buffy. It was more a love square. Later, when you throw in Cordelia loves Xander, Xander loves Cordelia, Oz loves Willow and Willow loves Oz it became more of a love tessaract.

A tessaract is a three dimensional representation of a four dimensional structure. It is insanely complicated and no one really understands it. Thus the analogy.}

After considering everything, she decided that this was a thing that should happen. Looking at Xander, lying on the couch with something on his face and drumming the theme from "The Lone Ranger" on his stomach, she knew she had to help. Good lord, did she have to help.

{Thus did things begin in earnest. In his seminal work on the hero myth, Joseph Campbell referred to this as the call to adventure. Sincere doubt exists concerning whether such a call had ever before been issued by a man using himself as a musical instrument, but there it is none the less. You take what you can get these days.}

Three days later, after meticulous planning, Willow began. Xander had finally gone home and life had returned to abnormal at the Summers residence. Willow was fairly certain she had seen signs of a minor mope in progress on Buffy's part. She thought that was just cuter then cute.

Willow's planning involved certain knowledge she had and assumptions she made about her two friends. First, Xander. He was already physically attracted to Buffy, of that there was no doubt and no help was needed. What Xander wanted was someone who would provide him the security he always felt lacking. He needed to be made to realize that Buffy was his forever girl. Interestingly, Buffy was the exact opposite. Xander already was her forever guy, but only as a friend. She just needed to be made to start having lusty naughty thoughts about Xander. How to do those things? Willow briefly considered shooting Xander in the leg with a crossbow. Then Buffy could wile away many happy hours playing nurse with him. Of course, Xander probably wouldn't like it all that much. On the other hand, how could she help induce naughty thoughts on Buffy's part? Xander was a good looking guy, but he had been good looking for the last seven years or so and it hadn't done him any good as far as slayer love was concerned. The whole Faith thing, of course, didn't count at all.

{Willow's exact mathematically and logically correct proof, written and showing all her work, of why the whole Faith thing didn't count is to lengthy to include here. It is of some interest to people who like that sort of thing, so I will mention the main thesis. Basically, Xander was a dumbass and Faith was a big 'ho.}

Carnal lust being something far easier to manipulate then feelings of trust and insecurity, Willow decided to start on Buffy first. She suggested a trip to the beach. It may not seem like much, but at the beach there were shirtless Xanders and bikini clad Buffys and yummy non-food poisoning picnic foods.

They arrived early on Saturday morning. They set up camp in a likely spot. Typically, Buffy was being energetic and bouncy, running all over the place. Xander was sitting back and just sort of soaking it in. Willow's personal beach technique was more like Xander's. Buffy had on a two-piece, a fairly conservative black number. She wore an over sized man's shirt above it and Willow was pretty sure she knew who's shirt it was. Xander had his colorful red and green trunks on and a white shirt he at least kept unbuttoned. That had to go, almost immediately. With no remorse at all, Willow got herself a cup of fruit punch (thoughtfully brought along for just such an emergency), walked behind Xander and poured it on him. Then she said, "Ooops. Sorry."

Sounding a little aggravated, Xander stood up. "Geez, Will. Be careful."

"Give me that," Willow said, "I'll clean it or it'll stain. You go jump in the water and get the sticky off you."

Xander stood and did as he was told. Willow considered that he tended to do what women told him to be another point in his favor. He ran to the water and Willow watched him go. So, too, she noticed did Dawn. Willow grinned. "Stop looking at Xander's butt, Dawnie."

"I wasn't," Dawn said. Willow glanced at her in surprise. "Although I have in the past and it's nice. I was looking at his scars."

Willow followed Dawn's gaze. She knew about his scars. She could place where most of them came from; in fact she had a few of her own if not as many as he. She just didn't like to think about them, especially in the morning on a bright, sunny beach when the dark seemed so far away. They three stood against the dark. Over the years they had help from many others, but they had all fallen away with time. Even of the three of them, only Xander had been steadfast in his resolve. Buffy had tried to flee her destiny. Willow had for a time embraced the dark and the selfish forgetfulness it offered. Only Xander had remained ever faithful, sometimes by being a blessed fool, sometimes a white knight and once a near messiah, willing to hang on the cross of Willow's rage if it would help. He deserved happiness. They all did. It made Willow want all the more to see her two best friends together and happy.

{That was what Dawn said that was so important. Some things just aren't funny.}

Willow was broken out of her moody reverie when Dawn went on, "I think they're sexy. Don't you think scars are kind of sexy?" Willow looked a little askance at her.

{I never said Dawn meant it to be all deep and meaningful.}

With new resolve, but not quite yet a resolve face, Willow called, "Lunch!" Xander splashed out of the water and started trotting towards them. Willow had timed it so that Buffy was much closer so they would all get to behold the spectacle of a wet, shirtless Xander running up the beach. After Buffy got up to them, she automatically looked for Xander and when she saw him coming, much to Willow's amusement, Buffy actually did a double take. Xander was… well, he was like… he seemed…

{Oh, to hell with it! I'm a ludicrously straight man and I really lack the ability and more importantly the desire to pick out and adequately describe the traits that make a man attractive to the opposite sex. Just let it be said that I have it on the very best authority that Xander running up that beach was very, very sexy. For anyone who is interested, feel free to fill in your own details about rippling muscles or bronze skin and whatnot.}

"Is there potato salad?" Xander asked, "Cause if there is I'm thinking none for me."

"No," Buffy said, "just delicious, pre-packaged non-perishable snack foods today."

"My kind of meal." Xander said, sitting to eat. Willow had maneuvered the group so that Buffy and Xander were sitting next to each other. At one point, her arm brushed against him.

She looked over at him, "Didn't you put any sunscreen on, Xander?"

He shook his head, "No. See, I had this wacky plan of wearing a shirt but someone thought it would be funny to pour fruit punch down my back."

Buffy just said, "Oh," as if it made perfect sense. She seemed a little distracted.

They had a nice lunch. Much to Willow's chagrin, Buffy seemed to pay no attention whatsoever to Xander, beyond the usual. It was possible that she even paid a little less, which would mean that she was being sneaky and hiding something!

Willow decided to let things go for that day. They had a very normal day at the beach and headed home about 4:00 in the afternoon.

Xander stayed on, as everyone knew he would. Willow waited till she could catch him alone and cut right to the chase. She realized that trying to trick them was childish and beneath her. "You're getting the Buffy bug again, aren't you?" she said bluntly.

"Noticed that, did you?" Xander said. He had for a moment considered attempting to deceive Willow, but knew from long experience that his odds of success were slim.

"What are you going to do?"

"Same thing as before," he replied a little glumly, "Wait till it goes away."

Willow smiled at him fondly, "You big dummy. Did you see the way she treated you when you were sick? Did you see her checking you out at the beach?"

"What?" Xander was surprised. "No way."

"It's true," Willow said gravely, "Buffy has a crush on you. Live with it."

"No, she doesn't."

"Yes, she does."

Just then, Buffy walked in. "Who does or doesn't what?" she asked.

Xander looked at Willow pleadingly. The effort was wasted. "He has feelings for you," Willow said. "Lovey-dovey and lusty-naughty feelings; I thought you should know." Both Xander and Buffy were stunned silent. Willow went on, "And I think you feel the same way. You guys should talk about it." She got up and left two chagrined and slightly embarrassed people behind.

{Willow's actions were very close to being an example of original thinking. The sad truth is that there is nothing new under the sun when it comes to the mating dance that men and women have gone through since we came down from the trees. It was different then only because throwing bodily excretions at one another was a form of recreation and not a truly immense faux pass.}

Buffy and Xander sat and looked at each other. Xander tried to speak first, "Willow say… bad, wrong… stuff." Clearly, he failed.

"Yes… bad, wrong stuff," Buffy said, not doing a whole lot better. They sat in silence for a while.

{As I said, there was absolutely no grace under pressure.}

"I…" Xander said, but stopped after one sound. There was more silence.

"We…" Buffy also trailed off after a single sound. There was another long silence. Buffy broke it when she finally said, "Really?"

Xander nodded, "Yeah. You?"

"Yeah."

"Wow." Xander said. "Cool." He broke into a smile.

Buffy smiled to. "Yeah, cool."

They spent a few more quiet minutes gazing at each other in surprise. Then, Buffy visibly shook herself, "Okay, when are we going to stop being monosyllabic?"

Xander laughed, "Just as soon as you tell me what it means. Say, Buffy, do you think there any chance you would go out on a date with me?"

"Sure," Buffy said smiling but in a very calm voice, "When?"

"In about two hours?" Xander said.

"Sounds good," Buffy replied, "See you then."

Xander stood up. "Okay," He said. He walked to the door, "I need to go change," he said. Buffy nodded agreement. "Right," he said, opening the door partway. He then seemed to have second thoughts and shut it again. He turned around, walked back to Buffy and taking her hand he pulled her to her feet and close to him. She didn't even consider resisting. Without speaking, he took her in his arms and gave her a deep, long, lingering kiss. After he had thoroughly kissed her, he stepped away smiling, nodded and walked out the door.

Buffy stood for a moment, smiling and gently touching her own lips where they had touched his. Then, suddenly, she jumped. "Two hours!" she said, "That's not nearly enough time!" She turned and ran up the stairs like a mad woman to start getting ready.

{So there you have it. That's how it happened. Not much to tell really. Willow pointed things out to them and every thing went just swimmingly from there on. I know I could have just said that Willow told them to get together and they did, but what fun would that have been? If I had done that I wouldn't have gotten to tell the bit about the potato salad and I love the bit with the potato salad. Thank you for your attention.}


End file.
